Im drowning!

I really dislike my self right now, I dont care about hidding it now, I dont care who sees. I am having the meltdown in my mind and in my heart, I've been pleasing people ( not fakein it ), not like being my self but always doing something, I always listen to what others say ( which is a good thing) But when it come time to say what i want to say, i feel it's really not important to talking about. But it's how i feel. Im trying not to make this about me but it's kinda the point. I need to write something or i'll just blow up. I'm really sick of working 2 or three jobs. what i really want to do is be at one job and stay there forever, to grow in it. I had a problem that im in with money, I didnt pay a bill that should of been paid back in 07 when i moved to PA ( i was getting my learners and i had to go take a test at the hospital-Mount Nittany Medical Center, the bill was very small but i gave it to my mom to pay off, she said that she paid it and she dont know what there are talking about and now it like $1058. I cant pay that! so i just got all these bills in the mail and i just throw them alway... only because i dont know how can i do it, well thats just the first part of it, I overdaft in my bank and cant pay the bank back. I was dumb for me to go to nyc for 3weeks knowing that i had all this behind me at home. I was just upseet that i did dumb things that was not wise and not of God, Just doing what ever pleases me, then this is what Hits me in the butt. I know i walk away from God, because i put my thoughts and dreams before Him. I dont know How to come back to him and fix this mess of my life. Inside im hurting big time and need help. I felt like my life was nothing now because of my foolishness. Im drowning!

his eye on the sparrow

It all started with I took my eyes off of Christ and put it on myself, things started to happen to me that never happen before. My mind started to be filled with thoughts of this world and doning things that are not about christ. My feeling started to take contorl and rule me, I get sad more than before, Depression start to creep up on me. I cry sometimes when i feel alone and no one cares. I start to put other things first. Prayer life is being drain. (this is the first thing that stop. when i stop praying, i start to getting weak that i begin walking away from the Lord). Some time i dislike myself because of stuff that happen. I feel look down, because i'm not like everyone. I compare my self to other people and so on... But all because i to my eyes off of Christ and put it on my self, and because of that i walk a road of darkness, moving alway from the light. But the story is not over, I pick up my bible and read about the son who ran from his father into an unknown place of sin and darkness, But it was there when he came to his senses, knowing that at hes fathers house there was food a bed to sleep and alot of love. Where he got back home the father run to him because thats hes son. After reading that i started to cry because i thought that Christ was done with me because i stop praying like i did before and started thinking about other stuff and putting other thing before him. But He wasnt. God wanted me to come back, He was standing there the whole time but i was the one that walk away from him. I repented with a broken heart turning back to the Lord, Clinging on to him for dear life. not wanted to turn my back on him ever again. Thank you Lord... I never want to drain your time, but i want to "Milk it all until i cant take it no more" The song God gave me is " HIS EYE IS ON THE SPARROW"